Clever 101
It's our job and duty to pour daily laughter units to the Community Pool.
Clever 101 shows you how.
If your conversation topic turns to cheese, pizza, cake or hamsters (or any other topic under the sun...) pair it with these phrases to upspin the number of clever contributions poured into any room.
Let's say, for example, the conversation in the room has shifted the topic to cheese...
Choose your favorites.
Memorize Ten.
Keep them in your back pocket for just the right time...
Clever 101
The One, The Master, The Expert, The Specialist, The Best, Perfection, Compliments:
That’s Mr. (cheese) to You
Not all (cheese) is created equal
(Cheese) Pants
This is not the (cheese) you are looking for, move along... move along.
This (cheese) is very close to the meaning of life
Nobel (cheese) prize
(Cheese) As it is written according to the prophecy
Pull the (cheese) Card
(Cheese) hangover
Defcon 3 (cheese)
That’s some whip and nay nay (cheese)
Hey now, hey now (cheese)
I can’t go for that, no I, no can do (cheese)
Catholic (cheese) stupor
Get all up in your (cheese) business
(Cheese) -estiest
Education is important. But (cheese) is importanter.
(Cheese) Coma
Bacon wrapped (cake)
That’s some weird sh*t (cheese)
That’s some spooky sh*t (cheese)
Special dispensation (cheese)
There is no spoon (cheese)
Security! (Bon QuiQui)
Private Reserve (cheese)
That brings new meaning to the words (cheese)
(Cheese) -y
We are nothing but slaves of the (cheese) illuminati
Black belt in (cheese)
(Cheese) Gene
Poster child (cheese)
Cowboy (cheese)
Pocket sized (cheese)
(Cheese) Smith
(Cheese) Artist
The Art of (cheese)
(Cheese) As an Art form
(Cheese) Machine
He’s a machine
(Cheese) Monster
(Cheese) Genius at work
(Cheese) Meister
(Cheese) Wizard
(Cheese) Magician
(Cheese) Architect
Got a (cheese) in every pocket
Channel your inner (cheese)
Free Agent, Freelance (cheese)
The Cadillac of all (cheese)
(Cheese) Man behind the curtain
Brains behind the (cheese) Machine
Have (cheese) will travel
Mr. Mrs. Ms. Miss Master (cheese)
(Cheese) Man
Doctor (cheese)
THE (cheese)
Local (cheese) Genius
Voted best smelling (cheese) in North America
(Cheese) Seven wonders of the world
(Cheese) is a wonder... and a terror
Highly developed sense of (cheese)
(Cheese) god
(Cheese) goddess
(Cheese) Conoisseuer
The angels sing (A-a-a-h!) (cheese)
(Cheese) o-rama
(Cheese) topia
You’ve been out (cheesed)
Some of my best friends are (cheese)
(Cheese) seizure
(Cheese) athon
(Cheese) Whisperer
(Cheese) Party Mammal
Imperial Grand Poobah (cheese)
Its Cheese!
Tower O Cheese
(Cheese) sweats
(Cheese) makes the world a better place
(Cheese) R Us
(Cheese) Apocalypse
Suite of (cheese)
Flight of (cheese)
Showcase (cheese)
(Cheese) Heaven
(Cheese) -Ville
(Cheese) Shire
The Shire of (cheese)
The Duke of (cheese)
(Cheese) Town
(Cheese) Hamlet
(Cheese) In a good way
(Cheese) In a bad way
Grand Canyon (cheese)
Mt. Everest (cheese)
Mount (cheese)
Longs Peak of (cheese)
(Cheese) ish
(Cheese) ette
Flagship (cheese)
(Cheese) -thang
(Cheese) Drama
(Cheese) -a-thon
Cheese of all Cheeses
Signature (cheese)
Hallmark (cheese)
Showcase (casse) Cheese
Pass the miracle whip and nay nay (cheese)
This is “don’t believe me just watch” (cheese)
Ghagnam Style (cheese)
Boy (cheese)
Girl (cheese)
Kid (cheese)
(Cheese) King
(Cheese) Queen
Duke of (cheese)
Wonder woman of (cheese)
Superman of all (cheese)
Eiffel Tower (cheese)
Empire State Bldg of (cheese)
Diamond (cheese)
Gold (cheese)
Like I died and went to (cheese) heaven
(Cheese) Nirvana
Walking on sunshine (cheese)
(Cheese) is a modern day miracle
(Cheese) Christmas Miracle
Pass out from (cheese) Joy
(Cheese) Frenzy
(Cheese) feeding frenzy
Reached the Zenith of (cheese)
Herculean (cheese)
(Cheese) Legend
Legendary (cheese)
(Cheese) Myth
(Cheese) Zombie
Unparalleled (cheese)
(Cheese) Unlimited
Unbridled (cheese)
The (cheese’s) (cheese)
Ingenious (cheese) mastermind
(Cheese) Carnival
(Cheese) Circus
(Cheese) Festival
(Cheese) Fair
(Cheese) Championships
(Cheese) Competitions
(Cheese) Buddy
(Cheese) Classic
Colossal (cheese)
(cheese) Bonanza
(Cheese) Palace
(Cheese) Volcano
(Cheese) Paralysis
(Cheese) City
(Cheese) Hell
(Cheese) Purgatory
(Cheese) Limbo
Vegetarian and transgender (cheee).
Freelance (cheese)
(Cheese) Junta
El Jefe (cheese)
Solidarnos (cheese)
Lech Walensa (cheese)
Mountain of (cheese)
Ocean of (cheese)
Deluge of (cheese)
(Cheese) Deleuge
(Cheese) -iest
God be Praised! (British Accent) (cheese)
Yeah…No. (cheese)
Get a little crazy (cheese)
You know its gonna get crazy, when the (cheese) comes out
(Cheese) is my spirit animal
(Cheese) Therapy
I’m going to Pass out (cheese)
This is the besty (cheese) I’ve ever had in my life
My name is _ (cheese) and I approve this message.
Dictionary definition of (cheese)
Paragon of (cheese)
Symphony of (cheese)
Always, inevitably and without exception (cheese)
(Cheese) Early and often
(Cheese) Very Muuch.
For sure (cheese)
Jedi Master of (cheese)
Jedi mind (cheese) tricks
Jedi Poodoo (cheese)
Step away from the Refridgerator (cheese)
(Cheese) b gone
James Bond of (cheese)
Ferrari of (cheese)
Woot woot! (cheese)
Yes, please! (cheese)
Shameless (cheese) patter
Mr. Wizard (cheese)
Hamlet (cheese)
Don't run from it (cheese)
I will cut you (cheese) (Bon QuiQui)
Rude! (cheese) (Bon QuiQui)
Complicated Order! (cheese) (Bon QuiQui)
Somethings you can't unsee (cheese)
Bad visual (cheese)
Now I can't get that out of my head (cheese) (Lyrics
Image)
(Cheese) Is the new_
The 3 minute rule (cheese)
(Cheese) That's good/bad for your resume
Captain bad guy (cheese)
No (cheese) was harmed in the filming of this movie
You can take the (cheese) out of the art but you can't take the art out of the (cheese).
(Cheese) gives me reason to get out of bed.
(Cheese) My Superhero
(Cheese) Cape
You have a number of excellent (cheese) -like qualities
By now get one free. Order now (cheese)
And now this… (cheese)
News at 11 (cheese)
After this commercial break (cheese)
(Cheese) By day and (cheese) by night
Lead (cheese)
Caroll Meryl/Jay and his tray (cheese)
Nice (cheese) -age
(Cheese) -gate
(Cheese) -ize
(Cheese) amigos
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
It's a modern-day (cheese) miracle
(Cheese) girl up.
In other (cheese) news...
Smart (cheese) chimp
Party (cheese) chimp
Party (cheese) mammal
Diaphragmatic chortle (cheese)
Grind to a halt (cheese)
“Gggg” (cheese) (spell that)
(cheese) Is a four letter word
Let the wild (cheese) rumpus begin
(Cheese) Weee
Got (cheese)?
(Cheese) Rage
Romantic (cheese) Specialist
Bemused minor (cheese) god at work
Captain (cheese)
Accoutremonde (cheese)
Terminal (cheese)
Heat seeking missile (cheese)
Search & Destroy Mission (cheese)
(Cheese) Hall Pass
Till (cheese) do us part
Jungle Cruise (cheese)
If those two had a baby it would look like:
I smelled a (cheese) opportunity
The world according to (cheese)
“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my (cheese)”
(Cheese) Entourage.
Mc(Cheese)
Wet mop on aisle three
(Cheese) That's just wrong on a number of levels.
High three (cheese) (high five).
The man upstairs (cheese)
All hail (cheese) muscle memory.
(Cheese) we will always have with us.
As seen on TV (cheese)
Amish pipeline to the city (cheese)
(Cheese) On a budget (little servings)
(Cheese) -mance
I have to watch my girlish (cheese) figure
A girl can dream… (cheese)
(Cheese) At large
International (cheese) Award
Voice of (cheese) Authority
That’s some freakish (cheese)
The (cheese) clapper
Parade of (cheese)
I want to go on record for saying (cheese)
(Cheese) Basecamp
Wall of (cheese)
Like a walking (cheese)
Easy Peezy (cheese) Neeezy
Push the fun button on (cheese)
Eat this (cheese) or you will be punished.
Double secret probation (cheese)
Double pinishment and secret probation (cheese)
Penalty box (cheese)
Shameless (cheese) monger
Charter member of the dream (cheese) fan club.
Dream (cheese)
(cheese) School
House of (cheese)
Phd in (cheese)
Did a (cheese) Number on me
Mountainous region (cheese)
great tracts of land (cheese)
Specialty item (cheese)
Free range (cheese)
Stupendous (cheese)
Splendid (cheese)
Homey (cheese)
Home boy (cheese)
(Cheese) Crib
I ripped you a new (cheese) hole
(Cheese) of the hour (cheese) of the year
(Cheese) of the decade
(Cheese) on the brain
Noah's ark gone bad (cheese)
Soft Milky white thighs (cheese)
Moist chewey center (cheese)
Mind blowing (cheese)
(Cheese) extravaganza
It's a four (cheese) day. I'm as happy as four (cheeses).
(cheese) quist
My (cheese) got loose in my lederhosen.
I haven’t had this much fun since the strudelfest in Munich!
Chinese wayback (cheese)
Self described (cheese) lover
Self defined (cheese) lover
Wire melting (cheese)
Mind melting (cheese)
Mind Melding (cheese)
Lurking sugar (cheese)
Before they drop the bomb (cheese)
Bomb drop (cheese)
Compelling (cheese)
Tragic (cheese)
The (cheese) that Dreams are made of
The (cheese) nightmares are made of
Best of show (cheese)
Beef monkey (cheese)
Stately (cheese)
Cosmic (cheese)
Supernova (cheese)
Preview of coming attractions (cheese)
Mega (cheese)
NYC (cheese)
Top Shelf (cheese)
Front Seat (cheese)
Style points (cheese)
Say that fast 5x (cheese)
Tantrum (cheese)
I can understand complete sentences (cheese)
Join in the Easternmost botanical wing (cheese)
(Cheese) -zilla
Stick it to the man (cheese)
Words cannot describe the awesomeness (cheese)
On Belay! (cheese)
Climb on! (cheese)
Best Actor (cheese)
Best Supporting Actor (cheese)
Best Actress (cheese)
Best Supporting Actress (cheese)
(Cheese) Orchestra
(Cheese) Symphony
(Cheese) Poetry
Beautiful Lyrics (cheese)
Mezzanine Level (cheese)
Upper Mezzanine (cheese)
Front Row (cheese)
I call Shotgun! (cheese)
Street Cred (ibility) (cheese)
(Cheese)Curb Appeal
(Cheese)of all (cheeses)
(Cheese)Debut
Debutante (cheese)
Great Barrier Reef (cheese)
Priviledged (cheese)
My Liege! (cheese)
Hail! Oh Great One! (cheese)
Wardrobe malfunction (cheese)
Majestic (cheese)
(Cheese) on a stick
Best (cheese) in all the realm
Spoonful of deliciousness (cheese)
Stick that in your (cheese) pipe and smoke it
If we’re going down, we’re going down swinging! (cheese)
Chocolate. Chocolate!
(Cheese.) (Cheese!)
The Consummate (cheese)
Cocked and ready (cheese)
Hair trigger (cheese)
Dancin’ like a man in a trance… brought it back from the war in France (cheese)
Bottomless Mamosa (cheese)
Epic (cheese)
(Cheese) that separates the men from the boys
Dirty (cheese)
The Prince of all things wonderful (cheese)
Molech (cheese)
I'm all about it (cheese)
I’m for it and I’m not against it (cheese)
Squeeze the (cheese)out of me.
Twisted sister (cheese)
Live version (cheese)
Studio version (cheese)
Priceless (cheese)
Proverbial (cheese)
Navy seal (cheese)
Swat team (cheese)
Bomb squad (cheese)
Outer skwaboolia (cheese)
Witness protection program (cheese)
(Cheese) Smooth like butter
Crossing on a Double yellow (cheese)
Cruising Central (cheese)
Teenage mutant ninja turtle (cheese)
Ranchers Cut (cheese)
Applewood smoked (cheese)
(cheese) Made National News
A+ (cheese)
(Cheese) Hall Pass
(Cheese)So big it can be seen from space
Doin’ the Happy Dance! (cheese) Doin' the (cheese) Dance!
Breaking a major milestone (cheese)
Ferrari of (cheese)
Sugar Plum Fairy of all (cheese)
Hurculean (cheese)
Cheese good enough to make you cry
Rocket fuel of all (cheese)
The (cheese) of (cheese)
Cowboy approved (cheese)
Screw Guilt
The big (cheese) in the sky
Got some serious (cheese)-ness
(Cheese)–iness
Subject Matter Expert on (cheese)
Due Process (cheese)
(Cheese)Train
Ride on the (cheese)Train for a while (Bliss, Afterglow)
The (cheese)Train has left the station
I am a man familiar with (cheese)
Jay gets a hundred on the (cheese) meter
Grand Slam (cheese)
Movie Lines - Star Wars
Red Leader
May the (cheese) be with you
Obi-Wan Cake Nobi, Obi Wan Cheese Nobi
Luke, I am your Father
I feel your anger, Luke
The Force is strong with this one.
Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
Impressive… (Darth Vader voice)
Your Training is complete. (Darth Vader Voice)
Your training is now complete.
How Wude!
Me’sa thinkin weesa bein friends!
Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?
Fear is the path to the dark side.
I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.
Now, young Skywalker… you will die.
Laugh it up, Fuzz ball.
Obi-Wan has taught you well.
You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I am here to put you back on schedule.
So this is how liberty dies…with thunderous applause.
Mind tricks don’t work on me.
Stay on target…(Gold Five)
Use the force, Luke.
Search your feelings.
Give yourself to the Dark Side.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
He’s from the Dagoba system
The Pizza made me do it
The Pizza said I had to k2so
He’s holding a thermal detonator
I sense great pizza in you, Skywalker
Chewie, We’re home. (Han Solo The Force Awakens)
A major weapon from the Imperial Arsenal
I have you now! (Darth Vader)
It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs
May the Force be with you.
Movie Lines - Tolkien
The Hobbit
Lord of the Rings
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
My precious.
Second Breakfast
“Losst it is, my precious, lost, lost! Curse us and crush us, my precious is lost!”
"What have I got in my pocket?"
One (Ring) to rule them all.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
We cannot use the Ruling Ring.
'I will take the Ring,' he said, 'though I do not know the way.'
The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.
Do not be hasty, that is my motto. -Treebeard
The hasty stroke goes oft astray. -Aragorn
The Dark Lord has Nine. But we have One
We promises, yes I promise!' said Gollum. 'I will serve the master of the Precious. Good master, good Sméagol, gollum, gollum!
We are lost, lost,' said Gollum. 'No name, no business, no Precious, nothing. Only empty. Only hungry; yes, we are hungry. A few little fishes, nasty bony little fishes, for a poor creature, and they say death. So wise they are; so just, so very just.'
Who can now hold the fords when the King of the Nine Riders comes?
The rule of no realm is mine, neither of Gondor nor any other, great or small. But all worthy things that are in peril as the world now stands, those are my care.
Where will wants not, a way opens. Great heart will not be denied.
The Black Rider flung back his hood…
It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. What weather they shall have is not ours to rule.
The Mouth of Sauron
'Wicked masster!' it hissed. 'Wicked masster cheats us; cheats Sméagol, gollum. He musstn't go that way. He musstn't hurt Preciouss. Give it to Sméagol, yess, give it to us! Give it to uss!'
'Don't kill us,' he wept. 'Don't hurt us with nassty cruel steel! Let us live, yes, live just a little longer. Lost, lost! We're lost. And when Precious goes we'll die, yes, die into the dust.' He clawed up the ashes of the path with his long fleshless fingers. 'Dusst!' he hissed.
'Precious, precious, precious!' Gollum cried. 'My Precious! O my Precious!' And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on his prize, he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then with a shriek he fell. Out of the depths came his last wail Precious, and he was gone.
'The realm of Sauron is ended!' said Gandalf. 'The Ring-bearer has fulfilled his Quest.'
"What has it got in its nasty little pocketses?"
"Lost! Lost! My Precious is lost!!"
Where is it? They stole it from us. My precious. Curse them, we hates them! It's ours, it is, and we wants it!"
"Master says to show him the way into Mordor. So good Sméagol does, master says so."
"What's it saying, my Precious, my love? Is Sméagol losing his nerve??"
"The Precious will be ours, once the Hobbitses are dead!"
Smeagol
Movie Lines - Monty Python
Now go away or I will taunt you a second time.
Alright we’ll call it a draw
Its just a flesh wound
Blessed are the cheesemakers
I (_) in your general direction
Very small rocks
She turned me into a newt!
“And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
“'Tis but a scratch'
'A scratch?! Your arm's off!'
'No, it isn't.'”
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!”
“And now for something completely different.”
“We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.”
“Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!”
He's not pining, he's passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't have nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”
“This morning, shortly after 11 o’clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibbley road. Sudden, violent comedy.”
“Enough of this gay banter. Now, Mr Anchovy…”
We should go.
Ministry of Silly (_)s
Movie Lines - Independence Day
Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute… and what the hell is that smell?
I have got to get me one of these!
Movie Lines - Indiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes…?
C’mon Belloch, lets go.
Bad dates…
I am the Monarch of the sea (sung).
Movie Lines Back to the Future
Dr Emmett Brown
Movie Lines - Random
Yo Adrian
Wax on, Wax Off
I… am not left-handed
I had... a bad... experience.
Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya. You drink my coffee. Prepare to die.
To Safeway, The Thrift store and Beyond!
I’ll have what she’s having…
The Great and Powerful OZ
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too.
There’s no place like home
Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore
You complete me. -Jerry Maguire
They may take our lives but they will never take our freedom (porkchops) Braveheart
I’m walkin here… Midnight cowboy
We don’t need no stinking badges -Treasure of the Sierra Madre
It’s Alive, It’s Alive Dr Frankenstein...!
The Dude Abides
Shaken, not stirred
What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate Cool Hand Luke
If you build it he will come
Just Keep Swimmin’ Dori Finding Nemo
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings
Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. -Back to the Future
Leave the gun, Take the canolli -The Godfather
And don’t call me Shirley -Airplaine
There’s no crying in baseball! -A league of their own
You had me at hello -Jerry Maguire
Houston, we have a problem -Apollo 13
ET Phone home
Bond, James Bond
The 1st rule of fight club is: you do not talk about fight club.
Youre gonna need a bigger boat -Jaws
Rosebud
Oh Petrie…
Green food
C’mmmonnn!
Yep yep yep
You cut me deep shrek
Buzz Lightyear
Oh Trotter... that chimp has gone and stolen my loincloth. I'll have it back if you please.
Come... Know me better man!
Think Har…der.
TV Lines
Bachelor: Shocking elimination
Take a moment. Say your goodbyes.
The most dramatic bachelor finale ever
THE most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
It's like nothing you've ever seen on the bachelor before
American Idol: Kieran, Dim the lights
Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
I know nnnothing!
Senior grampa, senior grampa
Hat dannit Pepina! Where’s lil Luke!
TV Commercials
Give it to Mikey, He’ll eat it.
Wheres the Beef?
Don’t leave home without it.
Breakfast of champions
Got Milk?
Betcha can’t eat just one
Pizza Pizza
Its not nice to fool mother nature
Siwwy Wabbit
Let's not get carried away
Go ahead and get carried away.
Free range hamsters
Cage free hamsters
Hock a lugey
Do the happy dance
Solidarnos!
Never the twain shall meet.
TV Commercial Voice
TV Announcer Voice
And it has a great view of the front range from the top with easy access from Highway 36
Titles
Emporer of all Steaks
Comissioner
Superintendent
Chief Ranger
Names
Famous Names
Aunt Bea of all steaks
Barney Fife of all steaks
Professional
Accomplished
Illuminated
Enlightened
Expert
Guru
Master
Double your Pleasure
Double your Pain
Crazy Good
Wicked Good
Double ick
Insiders
Exclusive, Elite
Club
Chez
Kooks only. No Locals.
Olive Oil: How Mediterranean of you!
Exclusive privileges
Elite
Discriminating taste
The preferred choice
The cheese of choice
Exclusive Screenings
Exclusive Member
Platinum club
Gold club
Polite Name Calling
Rough
Charm school
Colorful
Unvarnished
Unfiltered self
Grumpy
Mentally irregular
Someone needs a sandwich...!
Get it (quick!)
Hit it with your light saber Darth! (movie line bonus point)
Stab it with your steely knife! (lyrics bonus point)
Airplane Safety Talk Official
Overhead bins
You are free to move about the cabin
Tray tables up
Shift in flight
Be careful when opening overhead bins as items may have shifted in flight.
some interesting geographical feature viewable from the left-hand side of the cabin.
We’ve reached our cruising altitude now…
Boarding
This announcement is usually made while the aircraft is parked at the gate and the last passengers are boarding.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position.
If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read carefully the special instructions card located by your seat. If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by law.
If you have any questions about our flight today, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our flight attendants. Thank you.”
Door Closure
Usually before the door is closed, or while it is closed, this announcement is made.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is/my name is X and I’m your chief flight attendant. On behalf of (Captain Smith and) the entire crew, welcome aboard ??? Airlines flight ???, non-stop service from ??? to ??? (then continuing on to ???).
Our flight time will be of ??? hours and ??? minutes. We will be flying at an altitude of ??? feet/meters at a ground speed of ??? miles per hour/kilometers per hour.
At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position and that your seat belt is correctly fastened. Also, your portable electronic devices must be set to ‘airplane’ mode until an announcement is made upon arrival. Thank you.”
When the door is closed and the aircraft is about to pushback, the Captain or the Chief flight attendant will make an announcement intended to the flight attendants.
“Flight attendants/Cabin Crew, please prepare for gate departure.”
“Flight attendants/Cabin Crew, doors on automatic, cross-check and report. Thank you.”
Safety Demonstration
Depending on the type of aircraft and presence of a video system, this announcement will be made.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to direct your attention to the television monitors. We will be showing our safety demonstration and would like the next few minutes of your complete attention.”
If there is no video system and the flight attendants do the demonstration themselves in the aisles, the announcement might be as follows.
“Now we request your full attention as the flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft”.
Either on the video screen, or live, the safety demonstration might sound like this. If it is a video presentation, it usually starts with a friendly welcome from the airline, the reminder of the seat belt sign currently illuminated, the seat back and tray table restriction, as well as the carry-on luggage.
“When the seat belt sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt. Insert the metal fittings one into the other, and tighten by pulling on the loose end of the strap. To release your seat belt, lift the upper portion of the buckle. We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the flight, as we may experience turbulence.
There are several emergency exits on this aircraft (??? forward, ??? aft, and ??? over each wing.) Please take a few moments now to locate your nearest exit. In some cases, your nearest exit may be behind you. If we need to evacuate the aircraft, floor-level lighting will guide you towards the exit. Doors can be opened by moving the handle in the direction of the arrow. Each door is equipped with an inflatable slide which may also be detached and used as a life raft.
Oxygen and the air pressure are always being monitored. In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person. Keep your mask on until a uniformed crew member advises you to remove it.
In the event of an emergency, please assume the bracing position. (Lean forward with your hands on top of your head and your elbows against your thighs. Ensure your feet are flat on the floor.)
A life vest is located in a pouch under your seat or between the armrests. When instructed to do so, open the plastic pouch and remove the vest. Slip it over your head. Pass the straps around your waist and adjust at the front. To inflate the vest, pull firmly on the red cord, only when leaving the aircraft. If you need to refill the vest, blow into the mouthpieces. Use the whistle and light to attract attention. (Also, your seat bottom cushion can be used as a flotation device. Pull the cushion from the seat, slip your arms into the straps, and hug the cushion to your chest.)
At this time, your portable electronic devices must be set to ‘airplane’ mode until an announcement is made upon arrival.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the smoke detectors located in the lavatories is prohibited by law.
You will find this and all the other safety information in the card located in the seat pocket in front of you. We strongly suggest you read it before take-off. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our crew members. We wish you all an enjoyable flight.”
Take-off/Ascent
Usually, the Captain will make a small briefing before take-off, sometimes indicating the priority for take-off (e.g. “We are third in priority for take-off, we should depart in about five minutes”). But there is always an announcement like:
“Flight attendants, prepare for take-off please.”
“Cabin crew, please take your seats for take-off.”
Within a minute after take-off, an announcement may be made reminding passengers to keep their seat belts fastened.
After passing above clouds or turbulence, the Captain will turn off the Fasten Seat Belt sign, but usually, the aircraft is still climbing to its cruising altitude. The flight attendants will then invite the passengers to release their seat belts if needed.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned off the Fasten Seat Belt sign, and you may now move around the cabin. However we always recommend to keep your seat belt fastened while you’re seated.
In a few moments, the flight attendants will be passing around the cabin to offer you hot or cold drinks, as well as breakfast/dinner/supper/a light meal/a snack. Alcoholic drinks are also available at a nominal charge/with our compliments. (On long flights with inflight entertainment: Also, we will be showing you our video presentation.) Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Thank you.”
Turbulence
Occasionally, turbulence may occur during a flight. The seat belt sign will turn on and, in case of moderate to severe turbulence ahead, the flight crew will make a brief announcement.
“Flight attendants/Cabin crew, please be seated.”
Shortly after the seat belt sign illuminates, this announcement will be made.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you.”
Descent/final
Before, or during the descent, the Captain will usually make an announcement with local time and temperature at the destination airport, and time left until arrival. It is followed by an announcement from the flight attendant.
“Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you.”
To indicate the landing clearance or final approach, the Captain will either make the following announcement and/or blink the No Smoking sign.
“Flight attendants, prepare for landing please.”
“Cabin crew, please take your seats for landing.”
It may be followed by an announcement by a flight attendant.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the ??? airport. Please make sure one last time your seat belt is securely fastened. The flight attendants are currently passing around the cabin to make a final compliance check and pick up any remaining cups and glasses. Thank you.”
Landing
After touchdown, and as the aircraft is turning off the active runway and taxiing to the gate, the flight attendant will do one last announcement.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ??? Airport. Local time is ??? and the temperature is ???.
For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the Captain turns off the Fasten Seat Belt sign. This will indicate that we have parked at the gate and that it is safe for you to move about. (Depending on the airline’s policy/local laws: At this time, you may use your cellular phones if you wish./Cellular phones may only be used once the Fasten Seat Belt sign has been turned off.)
Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought on board with you and please use caution when opening the overhead bins, as heavy articles may have shifted around during the flight.
If you require deplaning assistance, please remain in your seat until all other passengers have deplaned. One of our crew members will then be pleased to assist you.
On behalf of ??? Airlines and the entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip and we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Have a nice day/evening/night/stay!”
Airplane Safety Talk Morphs (Captain and Flight Attendant)
If caught smoking in the lavatories, you will be asked to de-plane immediately.
Lyrics
Hey now! Hey now!
I can’t go for that. No can do.
I’m not the one
Wang Chung that tree
That is the “play that funky music white boy” of all steaks
That ain’t workin. That’s the way you do it. Money for nothin and your chicks for free.
Excuse me while I kiss the sky
Hold me closer tiny dancer
One less egg to fry
Say it isn’t so
Windy
Spooky
Flowers in her hair
Nice day for a white wedding.
Nice day to start again
They’re coming to take you away haha
Every little thing she does is magic
I heard screamin and bullwhips crackin’ Southern Man Neil Young How long? How long? I-I-I-I
Thrill me to the marrow-How can you catch the sparrow?
We are programmed to receive.
Hymn morphs
Hark the herald cake angels sing.
Bible Morphs
Jesus Sayings
The poor we will always have with us.
Man cannot live by bread alone.
God moves in mysterious ways.
Recoring Artists
Wang Chung
Thompson Twin
Aerosmith
Dan Fogelberg
Lucky Day
Lucky thong
Anyone can do it
It’s Simple!
(_)for dummies
Yes, And
Go Further
Spectrum Ends
Bacon fried in Butter
How to do your own vasectomy
(Colonoscopy) at home
(_)At home!
DIY colonoscopy kit
Embarrasssed and make you move to another state
Beyond Cool
The Bottom of Bottoms
Whimsical genius
Beautiful Chaos
My Dads cousins sisters brothers girlfriend’s uncle
AH understudy
And then some…
If you want me to go to running with you I'm going to need some motivation… Like a clown chasing us with a bloody knife and margaritas at the finish line.
Don’t Underestimate me
Look out!
I’ve got a (pencil) and I know how to use it.
What should I do?
Decision Making
To date or not to date that is the question….
Time is running out
Time Sensitive Events
Last call for(_)
Ridiculous & Sumblime Combos (Sublime next to the common)
Lazy Ass Ranch
Martini and a cheeseburger
Emergency Champagne
Nice outfit!
Turn Everything into a Party
Happiness
Fest
Disney moment
The Joy of Velcro
Good enough to make you cry
Turn (_) into a party
Parade
Parade of (_)
Wow (in a good way) Wow (in a bad way)
Egg poor but love rich
Party barge
Fun
Hard wired for fun
A ripsnortin’ good time
Lightheart Reframe
Sport Banter
Self imposed time out
Tra-La-la...
Crazy
Camp Runamuck
Excitement & Enthusiasm
Wound Up
Hyperactivity
All hyped up on sugar
Jet fuel rocket sled
On crack
You gotta lay off the sugar
It’s medication time…!
It’s like…
Happy as a Free range chicken
Hotter than a Blaze Chicken
Judgement
Police
A 9.5 from the Russian Judge
Is not a crime
Style Points
Good form, poor form
Like a halo in reverse
Sad, sad little man
Idiots guide to thong wearing
You’re getting’ WORKED!
You will never escape
You can run… but you cannot hide
I gotta go
We should go
Let’s get outta here
Oh my… look at the time!
We should go…
Exit strategy
Run Away!
Name the unnamed
Explain the Inexplicable
Complicated order
There’s an image…
That’s gonna leave a mark
Security…!
Parallel universe
Tack on
N stuff
Trouble & Suffering
House of (pain)
Transition Happens
Stuff happens
I’m Eggless
Poncho, it hurts me to see you this way
Phone Answers
Thong World this is Betty
Central Processing, this is Beatrice (double Joke)
ThongWorks, this is Eddie
Camp Runamuck this is Bob
Boge Mgmt
Hard times
Trouble
Plot Twist!
Alternate Ending
Jungle
No Pleasure Cruise
Gone bad
Sideways
Unintended consequences
Mistakes
Messups anonymous
Occupational Bellyflop
Occupational Suicide
Career suicide
Walk of Shame
Hurts
Ouchie
Boo Boo
Ouchie Boo Boo
The Switch
Last minute sharp turn
Surprise Ending
Plot Twist
I slept like a desk.
Got all my dogs in a row.
Happy as a bird. -Bud Lester
We are up to our house in problems here. -Don Widrig
I knew it was Lily who pushed the oven buttons and not you Tim because you aren't yet tall enough to reach them.
Ghagnam style > Michael Jackson Beat it Style >Imperial Storm Trooper Style
Misquotes Sustitutions Replacements
Stuff Mart
Bed Bath & Behind
It's Always Darkest just before the fat lady sings
Will work for food
The shower’s not over till the fat lady sings
Paxatawnee Pete
6 more weeks of football
My Life as a Zucchini
Spandex is a privilege not a right
Strike Ten, You're Out!
Restless Hand Syndrome
Irritable Hand Syndrome
Familiar Re-applied
Operators are waiting…
A cast of thousands
The envelope please…
I’d Like to go on record
I’d like to thank the academy
(Elvis) has left the building
Just say no.
You’re cut off
Just say yes to (_)
Just say no to (_)
If you’ve got the deer we’ve got the headlights
If you’ve got the fly we’ve got the ointment
The Bank of misfit toys
Cross Camps
Violently flirting with the commode (Hangovers)
Freedom
Boy at Large
Free (Tibet) (Dorothy)
Liberate (Dorothy)
(Jerk) Free Zone
Constriction
Food Wedgie
Disgust
That’s Wicked
Something’s gone afoul…
It’s been fouled
Pranks
May the invisible hand give you a wedgie
Inherently Funny Words
hiney, thong, piglet, niblets, morsels, cutlets, spam, chimp, Hampster chops pants, cheese, meatloaf, loins, loincloth, underpants, Captain Underpants, wedgie, porkchops, hippo, Porkchop buckaroos, Buttkiss, Scooter, Bupkiss, Hampster, Hampstershire, Jane Sanspanties, fanny, speedo, Oink, wattle, weenus, Punky cooker, punt, punk, Waddle, buttcheek, turdlet, Snookums, snooker, Dingus, Dingle, Pingle, snoop, snooper, poopie diapers, weiner, weiners in a tub, pelvis, porkchop, panties, nerp, toots, pooparoony, sausage, nibble, Goosely, Fatty Lumpkin,
Waddle, Fondle, Chubby bunny, Hamlet, loincloth, loins, Cakes and truffles pie, Pookie, Doughboy, Come here and bring your Little monkey, limp bisquit, Hootenanny, Rodeo
(Double these up, Funny pairs): chimp in a speedo, beef monkey
blubber dollop goggles hoodwinked skadiddle, Ballyhoo, booby, boob, dingus, Gadzooks hubub mollycoddled nibble piffle piddle wampum vichyssoise whammy nutella jinglingly, frou frou, Gadzooks Batman, Tiffie, dither, kibitzer, rubaboo, zimbabwe, nougat, poindexter, gurgling, (Rumple)stiltskin, (Ra)punzel, Wienerschnitzel, Lederhosen, strudelfest
Words you can’t stand Spleen, Spine,
Thong Jokes
Lucky Thong
Tray table up
Baggage securely stowed in the overhead compartment
Seatback in its full and upright positon
Thong securely in place
Idiots guide to thong wearing
Thong World this is Betty
Thong Works, this is Eddie
Disappointment
Buzz kill
Stealth
Guerilla
Closet
Surprise Artist
Coup
Junta
Preemptive strike
Operative
Operation
Covert ops
Comparisons
Is overrated
Is underrated
Something’s Leaking
Security breach
Lover
Junkie
Drug of choice
Magic & Power
Joy wand
Magic wand
Drama
Draama
Comedy & Tragedy
Bread & Circus
Thwarted!
Episode
Valley Girl
Take it back
That’s alarming
Go Me.
Go You.
Ballpark
_ish
Independence
Flying solo
Flying without a net
Slice your own Turkey
Unleash your inner
Unleash your
Seven Seas
Lone Ranger
Perspective
_Glasses
Ian Lines
I hear that all the time
All get hammered and accidently trip on the oxygen cord.
Big Dumb Animal
Give him a minute…
Its gonna be me next
And then some
As it were…
So to speak…
Come what may
Se la vie
In a way…
…and such
Please. I have to work with them all day long…
…but who’s counting?
And then there’s that…
...There is that...
I’m shy like that
Oh look at the time…!
And counting…
Stick it to the ham or something like that.
Oh, you’ll get yours…
If you insist.
As you wish
Maybe it was a gift for his wife.
You don't want to know.
Note to self.
I thot you’d never ask…
At least I got one last Marguerita out of him…
Oh I get it You're drunk! And God bless you for it,
We can still be friends
Double Duty
Listed Twice
Upspin this category
Lucky Thong
End of Event
Closure
Moving sidewalk is nearing its end please watch your step
Fun Words
Chafed
Twitterpated
Stirring of special feelings (Movie Line bonus point)
Old England
Rennaissance Festival
Tale
Weasles dance the hornpipe
M’lady
My Leige
At your Service
Mother Country
Metaphor
Allegory
Dropped catch
Borrowing
Stealing
Burgle some goods
Anticipation
Coming soon to a theater near you
Cool
Groovy
Weight gain
Built for comfort, not for speed
Terminal
Kiss of death
Terminal Myopia
Crack of doom
Disagreements
Sick em fido
I have issues
Frenzy
Panic run
Babe!
Self Improvement
I’m giving up anxiety for lent
Lots
Horde of gerbils
A litter of elephants
A google of hampsters
Indian Names
Cooks with butter
Two steaks
Tower O’ (Beer)
Small
Little Bit
Tiny
Feeling a little precious
Dollop of
Smidgeon of Dynamite
Fisher-Price
Pequeno Muy Pequeno
Opposites
Smidgeon of Dynamite
Paris Rome London Bisbee
Urgency
(_)Fever
Perspective
One man's (_) is another man's (_)
Angry People
Problem People
Problems
Don’t tickle the Dragon
Machine
Factory
Reverse Order
Vent first, ask second
Compliments Receiving
It’s a gift
Giver
(_)Santa
Optimism
Pessisism
Dark View
We are at the crack of doom
Punishment for wrongdoing
Probation
Double secret probation
Penalty
Penalty Box
Time out
Violation
(_) Violation
Boundary Violation
Code of Honor
Less than honorable
On a number of levels
That’s just wrong on a number of levels
Little
-ette
-let
Stunted
Pigmy
Midget
Rusty on panic
Sidekick
C’mon Viceroy, let’s go.
C’mon Lieutenant O’houra let’s go.
C’mon Emporer, let’s go.
C’mon Mr. Anchovy, let’s go.
C’mon Lord Vader
Let’s go, Lord Vader
Let’s go, Lord Voldemort
C’mon Supernova
C’mon Latrine
C’mon Senior grampa
C’mon Ranger Lightyear
Cmon Belloch, lets go.
C’mon Daktari, let’s go.
Girls
Black Masquera Creatures
Stop
Okay everybody out of the pool
Desire
Animal Magnetism
Sport
Sport mutiny
Making Progress
One small step for man
On giant leap for hamkind
Mispronounced
Similar sounding
Neurolinguini Programming
Micromanaging
Nazi
Handler
Atmosphere Police
Uncomfortable Arguments
Confrontation Mgmt Plan
Thrustissimo!
The dramas getting too intense here
Chill on the checkmate Man
Sic em, fido
Please discontinue this
Someone needs to crack a joke here
Put down your weapons kids
Hey close the shop
Ding! ding okay everybody back to your corners
Okay 10 minutes on the bench for both of you
Hey this is not Washington
Open fire!
Lock and load!
Don’t taze me bro!
Don’t probe me man
Laura, you made it all quiet.
She’s about to blow…
Non-marring pry tool
Warning shot over the bow
Heat it up!
Go for the Full Nelson!
Protector Provider
Vanguard of
Newbie
Virgin
Budding AH
Wannabe
Promising
Emotional Mess
Emotional tornado
Emotional landmine
National Security threat
Cutting Edge
Forward Thinking
Forerunner of ski fashion
Indentured Servant
Baggage Slave
Too Much
Edgy Stuff
Some things you just don’t want to try to unsee.
Negative way to say it
Positive way to say it
Elegant way to say it
Pot Stirrer
Whiner
Drama Lover
Solo Guide
Exageration Artist
Rhyme
The lesser of two weasels
Bald weasle
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Twin
Twin pervs
Wine Pairing
Measurement
Turbulence meter
Panic barometer
It’s a dispensation
Syndrome
Block
Disorder
Complex
Fixation
Political
Right wing
Left wing
Political eddy
Stuck
Political eddy
Intangible
Unarticulated
Objective Observer
She’s about to blow…
Alert
Akward Moment Alert
Oh Oh…
We have a situation
We have a situatio…
Wet Mop on Isle Three
Dr. Smith Ward Three
Barry Made up words
Rifkin
Pingle (Nick Robertson)
Schnowzel
Schmoopie
Ouchie Pow Pow
Joan Made up words
Skadiddle
Half Words
Bation
Bama
Panion
Sponsible
Lations
Cited
Barassed
Siltskin
Punzel
Cation
Improper Kid Language
We dood it!
I tolded it to him (Rocky)
Joanisms
Don’t snub it
You can’t blame a girl even if she’s sick
We NEED it!
Barryisms
Don’t run from it
Legalist Conservative
Don’t go all Boy Scout on me.
Commercials
Do not try this at home
In the comfort of your own home
Descriptors Naming
Say what everybody knows but nobody puts into words
Restless Hand Syndrome
Irritable Hand Syndrome
Program Failure
If it fails, I will cry and eat cake for a month
German Gestapo
The public floggings will continue… until the work is done…
German
You can’t blamen a girlen even iffen she’s sickken
Personification
Rose is the flower that causes undo stress to everyone in its general vicinity
Desperation
Hungry
That girl needs a weiner and a drink!
Somehow
Ice, but not
Some kinda wonderful
Some kinda west
Chivilrous
At your service
My Liege
Category of "funny but wrong"
Tailgater Morphs
Rump Riders
Rump Riders in the Sky